Vermonter.com

From The Onion:

WASHINGTON—According to sources in the White House, President Barack Obama has been uncharacteristically distant and withdrawn ever since last month’s two-hour series finale of Battlestar Galactica.

“The president seems to be someplace else lately,” said one high-level official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Yesterday we were all being briefed on the encroachment of Iranian drone planes into Iraq, when he just looked up from the table and blurted out, ‘What am I supposed to watch on Fridays at 10 p.m. now? Numb3rs?’”

Obama told aides he feels “like a cylon without a Resurrection Ship.”

“I haven’t seen him this upset since Admiral Adama realized that Earth was actually an uninhabitable wasteland,” the official continued. “Or at least that’s what he told me. I don’t actually watch the show. It’s not really my thing.”

Obama attempts to console himself with leaked production stills from the upcoming spin-off Caprica.

I lived in Bangkok for eight months and all I can say is that it was one place where the people work hard and take advantage of just about every situation. Restaurants are great and service exceeds what you can find in the USA by far. The Thai people are very creative and find an opportunity in situations that many Americans wouldn’t even dream of. For an example, check out this YouTube video.

Island Pond, also known as Brighton, is a quiet little town in the far north reaches of Vermont’s Northeast Kingdom. Formerly a bustling railroad town with a busy main street, lumberyards and an Ethan Allen Furniture manufacturing plant, Island Pond is now best known as one of the snowmobiling capitals of the east…or perhaps better known for it’s controversial town constable, Teddy Miller.

Any Northeast Kingdom local from St. Johnsbury to Newport and all points in between knows the name “Teddy Miller” and probably has a story to tell. Teddy is famous (or infamous depending upon one’s point of view) for aggressive enforcement of motor vehicle violations in or about the Island Pond area. Some people claim to have been ticketed for minor infractions such as air fresheners hanging from rear view mirrors, traveling at 2 or 3 mph over the posted speed limit, accidentally making the wrong turns on one-way streets and the list goes on. One story claims that a local teenager was injured in a snowmobile accident. A friend of the injured teen on another snowmobile, rode along the roadside to get to a phone quickly in order to summon help for his injured companion. Supposedly, Miller asked the person seeking help how he got to a phone so quick. He was rewarded with a ticket for illegally riding a snowmobile along a roadway. This is just one local story and there are many more. Which ones are hard facts and which are “rural legends” are subject to debate. In any case, Teddy Miller has become a legend whether he intended to or not. He is also the topic on many Internet travel websites and snowmobiling forums.

(Read on …)

Just when you thought you’d heard it all. On the television news this week, many of us were treated to a bizarre photo of a 48 year old Vermont man dressed only in diapers. The video is available here. Here’s the story:

LEBANON, N.H. — A Vermont man pleaded not guilty Tuesday to harassment and other charges after he was accused of sending pictures of himself wearing a diaper to a New Hampshire teenager.

Lawrence Robarge was charged with exposing a minor to harm, indecent exposure, harassment and stalking, all misdemeanors. Enfield, N.H., police said that on Sept. 6, Robarge sent obscene text messages to a 17-year-old girl and pictures of himself wearing a diaper. Police said Robarge placed a total of 16 phone calls or text messages to the girl, who worked with police to arrest Robarge.

Police said that one picture sent to the girl shows a bottle of baby powder and two diapers. A caption with the photo reads, “Show this to your lady friends then have them call me if their [sic] interested. OKAY???”

At first, the girl sent a message back: “Gross old man… leave me alone.”

But police said Robarge responded: “I’m wearing a diaper right now,” and attached a picture of him wearing a diaper. Robarge remains free on $3,000 bail, and a trial date was set for Jan. 16.

My wallet is bulging far beyond what it was intended for and it isn’t with greenbacks. I was at Barnes & Noble yesterday trying to pay for a book and they asked if I had a membership card, which I did….somewhere. It seems that my wallet has reached critical mass because after a few moments of digging, the card was nowhere to be found. Perhaps lost amidst the credit cards, medical, dental, prescription cards, WIZN card, grocery store cards and video store cards. It seems like there is a card for anything and everything you do these days. Now that we’ve run out of room for cards in our wallets, the conspiracy invades our keyrings.

Are wallets becoming obsolete? Are the days of the “man purse” looming on the horizon? For some of us that is a terrifying thought. Imagine the construction worker finishing up a hard, sweaty day of work. He enters a local mini-mart to pick up a 6-pack of Budweiser and says “uh…I’ll be right back. I forgot my purse.” The image doesn’t fit quite right does it?

The clerk at Barnes & Noble told me not to worry about the card and was able to use my phone number instead. Hmm, now maybe that would be a better method anyway than carrying around a pocketful of cards. He also mentioned that he’s seen people come in with card albums because they have so many to carry around.

What happened to the good old days of simply paying for something without having to carry around a card?

Before Howard Stern made him famous, Mark Shaw Jr. aka “Bigfoot” was already well known as an infamous character around Newport, Vermont. Now that he’s acheived his 15 minutes of fame, we figure it’s just a matter of time before Vermont Teddy Bear commemorates a special edition Bigfoot Bear (it is!) to the Green Mountain State’s latest celebrity.

Yes, Bigfoot is still a resident at the Border Motel in Derby where he regularly calls into the Howard Stern show, when he’s not appearing there, in person. Howard recently gave him $500 to get back to Vermont after Mark spent all of his $5000 “Whack Pack” prize winnings on hookers. What a guy.

Yesterday, on the Howard Stern wrap-up show, several folks were concerned about the possiblility of Bigfoot getting mad and running wild. A Taser gun and beefed up security was suggested…just in case. Artie Lange mentioned that the smell permeating the room when Bigfoot was present was unbearable, comparing it to “body odor, crap and old carpet smell from a motel in Vermont”. First Paris Hilton and now Bigfoot. Welcome to America!

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any stranger! Howard Stern recently held a contest to find a new addition to his “whack pack” on his daily satellite radio show on Sirius. Anyone who knows there Vermont real estate and lives in the Newport area probably shouldn’t be surprised as there has always been a “whack pack” in the area for years. One (unnamed here) sometimes homeless individual is well known throughout the state for redeeming empty bottles and cans, while running for political office on several occasions. Another prowls the banks of the Clyde River in warmer weather, scantily clad in American Indian trinkets.

Probably the most infamous of all is Mark S., aka “Bigfoot”. His name and presence is well known in the Northeast Kingdom, especially among the local police. Years ago, he gained a small bit of notoriety for stealing the contents out of nearly every lakefront cottage on Strawberry Acres…in broad daylight! It was quite a sight to see his old Torino automobile slowly making it’s way up the road loaded to the bumper with furniture stolen from summer homes. In fact, his whole caper was so casual that most of the neighbors though someone had hired him to help with a move. Only when the State Police came around asking if anyone had seen him driving by did it become apparent that he wasn’t performing any good deeds. When asked why he took his time and was so brazen about it, apparently not worried about getting caught, the police officer said “…winter is coming soon. He usually does stuff like this every fall in order to get caught, so that he’ll have a warm place to stay for the winter months”. The local correctional facility.

Thankfully, during his contest stint on the Howard Stern show he admitted that his days of larceny were behind him. He mentioned that his prize money would be used to help pay his fines, if he were to win. When asked by Howard (jokingly) what he would do if he won the contest and was signed on for 5 million dollars per year, he said he would buy and manage an apartment for homeless people in the Northeast Kingdom. He also put in a plug for the Border Motel in Derby saying that “nobody comes in to clean my room. They’re all afraid of me, it is” One day he sniffed too much lighter fluid and thought he had become the roadrunner after seeing the decal on the side of a car.
They say truth is stranger than fiction and this is certainly proof. But then again if Paris Hilton can become a celebrity then perhaps it’s not so surprising that a local Newport area personality could become (by nearly unanimous votes) Howard Stern’s latest discovery. Howard Stern mentioned giving him an hour long show of his own. Stay tuned…”it is”!

A Burlington area woman recently got an unsavory surprise while preparing her lunch. Imagine trying to eat healthy and get rid of a few pounds only to find a decapitated mouse head in your Lean Cuisine. That’s enough to put you off eating altogether:

Bridget Zurn prepares a quick lunch to accommodate her busy schedule. Zurn poked at the dish after it came out of the microwave, and says she found part of a pest — a mouse head mixed in with the salmon, basil, spinach and carrots.
“It kind of had a dead smell,” said Zurn. “I saw three hairs poking off the side and I looked at it and was like ‘oh my gosh’ what is that?”
“I flipped it over and realized right away that it was a mouse head and ran out of the kitchen yelling,” said Zurn.

So now we know the secret ingredient for weight loss. A treat like this guarantees you won’t want to eat for a week.

I waited at the dump in Essex Junction the other day (or is it called landfill now in these overly political correct times?) for about 15 minutes in a long line. Nothing wrong with that, just throw in a CD and wait your turn. What amazes me is that every time I make the dump excursion there are always a handful of people who, I swear, are there for the entertainment.

There’s the young family who brings the kids along to watch the garbage bags role down the chute. “Wave bye-bye to your little brother’s Huggies!!!”. I feel sorry for these folks as they probably can’t afford to bring the kids to Playland at McDonalds. Hmm, must be payments on the Lexus they drove in with are a killer. Then there’s Uncle Joe who tosses his week’s worth of newspapers and recyclables into the recycle bin. He patiently stands and watches as last week’s TV Guide slides down the chute, trailing the sales flyers from the Sunday paper. After all, why should the kids have all the fun?

Then there’s the “rat pack”. Those intrepid souls who seek out one another at the dump and stage a spontaneous reunion of sorts while leaning on green, plastic garbage containers. Sort of reminds me of the breakfast clubs that gather at McDonalds on any given morning. That is except for the smell. I guess all of the above scenarios are a bit surprising considering the unmistakable odor in the air.

As I wait patiently for my turn at the bins, it’s fun to watch all this activity. The problem is that when it’s finally my turn to toss the garbage into the chute, it’s over in seconds. As quickly as possible and I never look back. Happy to get back in my car and ride off into the sunset. Party pooper!